An Interview With Mario
Fan fiction by Deezer

On July 28th, 1999, Mario agreed to participate* in an interview for TMK. Here's how it went.
* I never interviewed Mario. Mario does not exist in real life. This interview should NOT be taken seriously.

Deezer: Greetings, Mario! Thanks for taking the time to answer a few questions.
Mario: Hey, it's-a no problem! I'm-a on vacation this-a week anyway.

D: Alrighty, let's start with something I've been wondering for a while: Why do you have an Italian accent, when you were born in New York?
M: Ever play-a Yoshi's Island? In-a the ending, you can clearly see that-a Luigi and I were-a born in Mushroom World.

D: That still doesn't explain the accent.
M: ... Okay, okay... it's fake. Our favorite show when we were growing up was "Happy Days." To get all the girls, Luigi and I figured we needed to be cool Italians like "Fonzie" Fonzarelli.

D: And the massive pasta consumption?
M: We like pasta.

D: Oh. Speaking of eating, do you actually EAT the Fire Flowers, Cape Feathers, 1-Up Mushrooms, etc.?
M: Yes, I do. They make me gag, but that's the price you have pay when you want special powers. Actually, the Fire Flowers sort of taste like lemon. I'd offer you one, but I have only one left.

D: I understand. I've noticed Yoshi can eat and eat like there's no tomorrow. Why is he so hungry?
M: Yoshi remains a mystery to me. I still haven't figured out if Yoshi is a male or female! But anyway, he's probably hungry all the all the time because everything he eats goes right through him. When he eats something, BAM, it's out the opposite end as an egg. Yoshis reproduce this quickly too. It's unbelievable.

D: Bottom-less stomach, flutter jumps, super-stomping power... Yoshi is the über-dino.
M: (laughs) Yeah. (muttering) I saved his a— in Super Mario World, and now he's almost more famous than me!

D: But he helped you and your brother in Yoshi's Island.
M: I'm starting to believe less and less of that storyline. I mean, the Shy Guy enemies that I dreamed up in Super Mario Bros. 2 appeared in Yoshi's Island, where I was a baby. Something's just not right there.

D: I see. What is your favorite game you've appeared in?
M: Super Mario Bros. 3. That Hammer Suit was neat. Or maybe Super Mario Bros. 2, because all I had to do was sleep during the credits. That was the easiest paycheck I ever earned.

D: What was it like working with Baby Mario in Mario Golf?
M: It was quite fun. He was a good sport, and a good golfer. It'll be interesting to see how much he improves as he grows up... er, as I grow up... er... uh.... wait, how could there have been a Baby me, AND me, at the same time? That would mean...

D: It's best not to think about it, you'll only confuse yourself. Let's move on. What is your launch title for Nintendo's next system going to be like?
M: Well, Luigi and I will be stomping Goombas, riding Yoshi, and Bowser will probably capture Peach, so we'll have to rescue her at the end.

D: (sarcastic) You don't say! At least it'll be different from all your others.
M: Hey, I don't design the games, OK? Just stick to asking questions, "Geezer."

D: (clears throat) Okay. What is Shigeru Miyamoto like?
M: I've never actually met Mr. uhhh... Shigamoto. Nintendo never lets me into their headquarters in Japan. It's sort of like working at McDonald's; you never get to meet Ronald McDonald.

D: ... Huh?
M: Never mind.

D: Any plans to marry Princess Peach Toadstool?
M: I wish. Toad tells me she's got a thing for Luigi.

D: What happened to Pauline?
M: She saw when Peach kissed me in Super Mario World. After that, she wouldn't return my phone calls.

D: But then you rescued her a bazillion times in GB Donkey Kong.
M: Bah, that was her stunt double. She refused to appear in the game because I was in it.

D: What about Daisy?
M: From Super Mario Land? The programmers gave me the wrong one. A week later, she turned into a Fly.

D: Oh man.
M: Yeah. But that's life.

D: One last question: What advice would you give to children aspiring to be a famous Nintendo mascot such as yourself?
M: Stay in school, don't do drugs, and eat lots of pasta. Or maybe not... just hang around that Shoryumoto guy enough, and maybe he'll work you into a few games.

 

And there you have it. Once again, I'd like to thank Mario for participating in this interview.